Lately I have been studying the ways that I subtly turn away from Debra’s love. After 34 years! I don’t think I am so different from others. There are subtle feelings of tension or anxiety that arise within me, when Debra looks at me with that love of hers glowing in her eyes.
I’ve been studying the part of me that wants to rush away from her, or turn away. At a silent retreat, I was thinking about what happened to me when I was five and a half, and my mother went away to the hospital. I went to live with my uncle and aunt, and their family.
I told Debra, “Something in me died. I didn’t know when she would come home.”
Debra asked, “What?”
I said, “The magic.” I had a lot of feeling in my heart and in my voice. I realized that maybe I am afraid of losing Debra, so I don’t open to her totally. I keep a small part protected. But then I thought, “Is this how I want to live? No.”
I knew then that by opening to the love that I have for Debra, and opening to her love, the magic can come back, and I felt at ease, less afraid, and more willing to practice being open with her.
Debra and Geo Fight Clean
Debra and I have our money issues. Of course. And I get defensive when she says, “How can you afford to go to the Giants’ game when I look at all the labels on the food aisle to get the best price, best food.”
I don’t like it when I am challenged. But then I know that there is a part of me which always wanted to be a writer, to be a therapist who didn’t overwork, and I have had to limit my work, so I could be rested and ready (to say “I hear you”! And part of me wants to be a productive, adult male, highly successful.
Then Debra says to me, “I know that I get triggered, around my own fears about money, and how conservative my family was. I’m glad you are not like that.”
Then I can relax, and own up to my own inner conflict, and enjoy the Giants’ game at the same time. (Tuesday night San Francisco 6, L.A Dodgers 2!)